Some issues I don't know how to explain or where to start. Help me make sense;

I got dreadlocks in December and took them out a month later. I felt like some young broke guy with cool hair, a "greaser" but it was one of the few long- term goals I had envisioned and finished. When I get my life streamlined I'll get them again.

Like in that movie Dead Poets Society when the professor gives that speech about poetry. if I was in a class like that, I'd tell the professor to got to hell and get a real job like pushing a lawnmower or mining coal. Just some jerk philistine rant, but just frustrated.
Sometimes I feel frustrated with the world as it is or "the way things are". Sometimes whenever I have to listen to someone talk about how amazed they are by sunsets and trees or Einstein's brain it's sickening. Call me a monster.
When in conversation people ask me what I like to do or do for fun I don't knoww how to answer. When I join something and fill out an obligatory personality/interest form it's the same thing, except it feels trivial, and when I look up some dance video or other it feels like a bad joke. Do I not know my age or am I retarded or something?

I don't know what it is, but sometimes I get some kind of neurotic attack. For example;
I had ordered the Melbourne Shuffler Documentary DVD. Last night I sat down and tried to watch it but couldn't. I couldn't stand to. Among other things I had gotten a sugar crash from earlier that day so I laid down and took a nap. When I woke up I thought about what happened earlier and felt pained, too tired to be sad or frenzied. their were too many things I couldn't stand to think about. I've recognized most of the triggers.

It's like there's (sometimes) too much.

Like in High School, I'd look up dance styles to explore and find one. That's how I found about raves.
I'd look up music subgenres hoping to find one to identify with. These things aren't strange, it's what all teens do.
High school was very dull. I would get these kinds of attacks during trains of thought sometimes. Sometimes I would laugh or want to, because it was some kind of "global beholding of something"(It happened over different things, I'd have to give specific examples.) If there was a song for it, it'd be "Desert Rose" by Sting.

Is it just that I'm burying my feelings or failing to express them? Are these "Beautiful Things"?

Iv'e bought a couple DVDs that I hadn't seen before but excited to watch because I had looked a long time for them, but so afraid of disappointment I struggled to sit through them.

I get so annoyed by really stylish young people at the mall, or really anywhere. I want to chug a Red Bull and clench my teeth and fingers. I don't know why. If in some universe where I had to decide whether to press the button that would nuke every rave or anything labeled "degenerate art" off the face of the earth or not, I'd have an aneurysm and blood would shoot out of every hole in my head. the same thing would happen if I'd won plane tickets to EDC, or anywhere nearly awesome like that.
When I think of what I want to do with my life I think of little things. Cheesy-sounding "nostalgic" things, or rather , things you do. I always liked how clouds looked like they do before it rains, just one of those "stupid" little things but lately I can't stand to watch, or it hurt to. I don't know why.

These things have been going on for awhile. They won't go away. It shouldn't be one of those phases of youth, or something dismissed to youth that passes away with it. Is this Lewisian "sehnsucht"?

Sorry this is long, and I don't expect you people to magically know me.
I'm really sorry if these sound like trolling or ranting, I'm asking for help in dealing with things I don't know how to explain.

I can't say that I understand what you're saying, but I can say that I've have some similar experiences

1) Not knowing what you do for fun/like
Yeah, I've had that happen to me so many times. "So what do you like doing?" "Er........ (IMG:http://www.glowsticking.com/forums/style_emoticons/default/happy.gif) ;; good question?" I dunno, it was really hard for me to say anything because either I liked a lot of things and therefore felt like maybe I was just forcing myself to like them, or I would just be indifferent to everything, find everything to be trivial and worthless, and find life to be so mind-numbingly boring. I guess it wasn't until I started stringing that I settled down more and had an answer to that question

2) Overwhelmed
I know I've had plenty of times where I just want to raise my head and shout out "STOP!" and make the world stop revolving and make time stop just so I can catch my breath. Just so I can figure out what the hell is going on around me. Many times I just want out because I feel like I'm being crushed, by what? I have no bloody clue

3) What I want to do with my life
At least you can come up with something, no matter how cheesy it is. I'm drawing a complete blank. Oh, maybe get a nice apartment? Noooo clue...

4) Hurts to do things that you used to like doing
Same here, no idea. One day I enjoying it, the next it hurts and I have no idea why. Then later on I'm all better again o.O

I don't know if this was helpful in any way shape or form. I guess I'm just trying to say that you're not alone? I just deal with it day by day. There are days when you'll want nothing more than to punch a hole in your life and get out. There are days when nothing seems to matter. There are days when everything hurts. There are also days, when you feel none of the above. There are, well... I guess you could call them normal days. Days when you don't get riled up as easily, when some things don't bother you as much. Days that you can sit and look at the clouds and feel fine. Just live for those days.

I think there somethings in the post that you didn't want to publically announce in this forum, so that's why it wouldn't really make since to us.

about "Thinking Overload"

here's my experince I think about alot of stuff and yes even somethings from the past would come up. "Like my mind is running and can stop and I can't control it"

I told my doctor about it, he told me to see a psychologist . The Psychologist told me it is a symptom of depression. So I took zoloft and the my mind wouldn't run anymore.

that's me...I'm not sure about you.


Sweet (IMG:http://www.glowsticking.com/forums/style_emoticons/default/thumbsup.gif) I wish I could get dreads, but blockbuster wouldn't of hired me if I had them, ah gee weez!! (IMG:http://www.glowsticking.com/forums/style_emoticons/default/veryangry.gif)


Lost of interest is also a symptom of the "D" word.

Try excersising (like running or punching a heavy bag for 30 mins) it will release the chemicals between your hormonal nerves to your brain nerves that make you more happy (darn my head hurts I'm can't remember the name of the chemicalsabut I learned about it in NCM 101.)

What I want to do? ugh. It's like in The Perfect Score; the crazy Asian guy is talking to one girl about how cool he thinks some character from Street Fighter is. She then asks “so you want to be a game designer”, to which he replies “no… I wanted to be Blanka!” (IMG:http://www.glowsticking.com/forums/style_emoticons/default/laugh.gif) I have no good idea.


People who are happy with the way things are, who like the color Brown; It’s like the Trainspotting “choose life” speech (minus cocaine) who don’t mind if the world blows up. To that world I say “no”.

It feels like, in order to get a life, I must “let things die”.

I hate shitty choices and situations.

It’s like life happens while you’re waiting for something else.



When I walked out of the salon I was happy. “All-right, I got my dreads! Now I can get my shit together!” (IMG:http://www.glowsticking.com/forums/style_emoticons/default/biggrin.gif)
When I came home, my dad criticized them, saying he wouldn’t have minded if (I essentially had my life in order0, but I didn’t get them because it was cute or amusing.

Am I pursuing some kind of glory?

What thing/s am I repressing?


When I think of what I want to do with my life I think of little things. Those are the things people remember when they look back. I’m afraid they’re just things in my mind, like dumb idols that break the hearts of their worshippers. I have the rest of my life to be old. I feel 15 (not maturity-wise) but the government tells me I’m 21. I had always looked up to people a little older than me (like some people do) and now, I AM at that age and I haven't accomplished much. I am afraid that time is slipping by, because there are things you can do when you’re 21 that you can’t do when you’re 30, or even 25.


With every quarter I’m not in school somewhere I’m not out, like I could be some person’s confidant or a girl could have a crush on me you know, be somebody to somebody, and mean something to someone. At one point I got so frustrated I began to think that people who knew what they wanted to do after high school or college were “dumb” in some way.

I don’t want to be myself. I’ve been myself, through high school and at community college. I don’t want to waste college. I want college to be awesome, to make up for all the time in high school. I want to participate in youthful fury and levity, do stupid things, before I’m too old and it looks creepy.
I have a grim belief that we won’t be glowsticking our whole lives. Am I thinking too far ahead?

I flunked out of community college for 2 consecutive semesters, and had taken this year off. I intended it as 6 months but seeing as I hadn’t gotten things together I made it a year. This summer will be over and the semesters will begin again. I had wanted to go to the NY meetup, both this year and last.

I got soul but I’m not a soldier.

People are born everyday. There are over 300 million people in the US. If there was a dollar for every head of Americans, what would that pile of money look like? What value is happiness?

(I feel like) what I enjoy is irrelevant and trivial.

When I hear or read about drama over the distinctions between genres or the legitimacy of an artist or fans interest in techno or the clubbing world my brain shuts off until it’s gone. My town is full of retirees, young mothers, mullets, preppies, and R&B. There isn’t a luxury for drama over those things.


I had taken a break year from school and started trying to write these things down in january. These are the fruits of that. Some quarterlife crisis.

Okay your post is kind of confusing but I will tell you what I think you kind of mean and how I was in that mindset at one point in my life. Basically, from what I can pick up you have no "magic" in your life. Things that were once beautiful to you are nothing. Things that are beautiful to others are a joke to you. Just like you losing the "magic" you found in watching clouds when you were younger but now can't stand to.

I've had a few points in my life where the magic just disappeared. Made me wonder what the hell I was doing in life because nothing excited me. I was basically nothing because I thought nothing of anything. Well parties started to change that for me, but it took awhile to truly change and see how amazingly beautiful everything was and is in life. My purpose for life didn't come until much later though. But one experience, as forum rules I can't go into detail about but I will say I was at a camping party in the sand dunes and an experience made the whole world basically stand still, and I looked up at the sun coming up over the sand dunes, the sky turned an amazing color, people were dancing, music that just blew me away was on the stages, people were making each other breakfast, and for a moment I was in total bliss. I am not quite sure what it was that made this so different than the many parties before but I felt a complete religious experience through that party. I sat there in silence for probably a good 2 hours thinking about my life, God, my future, and the people around me. It was a weird yet therapeutic experience for me.

As great as that experience was and how it made me want to look at everything and see beauty in it, I didn't. I was a suicidal teenager, not wanting to live life, hated school, hated most everyone, parties truly were my solace and the people there were my only friends. The music made me feel alive for a few hours every week. Outside of parties, I just felt dead.

So years go by. I get pregnant and the most amazing person in my life was given to me and through my daughter, I TRULY learned what love is and what beauty is. Beauty isn't necessarily looking at a sunset and going "Wow that's incredible" it can be something as simple as the way a baby folds their hands as they sleep and as complex as a massive party where everyone is dancing, each their for their own reasons. If you don't see beauty in something, that's fine. But maybe it's more of a matter that you are subconciously looking for it, and not letting it just come to you? I can dance and go to a party and not everything is beautiful. I went to my friends anniversary of his death, and everyone was dancing on his grave, glowsticking, doing poi, and smiling and laughing. That was beautiful to me. Difference is I wasn't looking for beauty in my friends death but it was there. I looked for beauty at the party and didn't find it. Sometimes we have to go through life with our senses open but let it happen as it is meant to be, not force it. Hope that makes sense.

To me, it seems like you are trying to make sense of the world and so into the details you are forgetting to let life come to you as it's meant to be. In the process of looking at details you are bypassing the big picture. You are looking for the missing piece of the puzzle, while forgetting to look at the rest of the puzzle and realize that sometimes the missing pieces don't take away from the big idea or big picture, ya know?

I may be totally understanding you wrong. But hey if you ever want to chat, message me on AIM at NeoMeeko. Maybe we can get a better understanding through talking through there (IMG:http://www.glowsticking.com/forums/style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)

**hugs** keep your head up.

I think I got it. It's not this simple but at least;
It's that I'm so ambivalent and don't know how to reconcile things. The "Yang" (job, bills, money, etc.) what I have to do with my life, everything hard, shitty and real, with the "Yin" ( anything that is beautiful or "cool/fun") stylish mall kids, colorful people, dreads, little things, etc.

That's it.

That APP song Don't Answer Me's stuck in my head.

I did alot of thinking;

- dreadlocks and feeling like a greaser- I felt stupid, like some high school kid that dresses up for school that lives with their parents.
- hatred of types of art- because it's something beautiful but fake and unreal.
- coming up blank on trivial conversation questions- because I feel they're meaningless, dull, and it bores people.
- thinking dancing is frivolous- *sigh* oh boy (IMG:http://www.glowsticking.com/forums/style_emoticons/default/sad.gif) ...
- hatred of stylish people- I feel that things like individuality and purpose are delusions. (IMG:http://www.glowsticking.com/forums/style_emoticons/default/mellow.gif)

What value are people? Why should I care about my issues when there are many people happier and better off than I? In the end, what difference does it make if my life is dull and unfulfilling? "Life's about the journey, not the destination" because the destination is a grave.


It's been awhile but I wish I would fall to the ground and wake up somewhere else. I wish I could cut something from myself or my life, or I wish burning my house down would help but it obviously won't.
- the Trainspotting "choose life" speech (no I don't do drugs);
Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a ****ing big television. Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance. Choose fixed interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisurewear and matching luggage. Choose a three-piece suite on hire purchase in a range of ****ing fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who the **** you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing ****ing junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, ****ed up brats you spawned to replace you. Choose your future. Choose life.

It's like I can either get a fun job or a real job. What you enjoy and what you can make a career/job out of are two different things. It's like you just get a damn job and it's just a job. In high school when I looked at career questionnaires or some counselor asks me what I like to do I'd think of stupid things like v-games or going shopping, listening to music, etc.

I suck at the things I admire;
Downtown I was at this skate shop. Inside there were stickers all over the pop machine, there were old boards around the wall, knick-knacks everywhere else, and the place smelled like plaster. I loved everything about it but I can't skateboard.
There's a huge used book store in my town. It recently put in a small coffee shop in one corner of it. The place is neat, it' like cultural nexus, until you actually look at what they have and realize it' more like a thrift store for unwanted media, but everything else is neat.

I understand you can't force beauty. I understand the subtlety about beauty, but...


People who can't ind stimulation outside of parties; those people are truly pitiful. It's "why must that be the situation" Why must that be the way things are? What is the point of going on a vacation somewhere if coming back (to your life) means that's the way things have to be?

You don"t dance because it"s cute. It's something you do anyway. Just like you don't write poetry because it's cute.
I wish I was a better man, I wish I had a better plan to deal with this. What can I do?