Ok, Im going to say this now; Im really just typing this as a personal rant, to get out there and off my chest. I dont care what you guys say in reply to this, but I needed somewhere to post this that my family and most of my friends dont read. You all will understand me a lot more, especially the Texas members, than anyone else right now.

Lately, Ive been going through some difficult stuff. Im sure some of you know that I was stationed in South Korea in February. At first, it wasnt too bad. But lately, things have been getting worse. Most of my days are occupied by work, exercise, and sleep. Thats all I do anymore, it seems like.

I havent seriously spun poi since just before the Texas "Quarantined 2" video. I very briefly started Tae Kwon Do training, but gave up on that. Ive been playing paintball on the weekends, which has its fun moments, but in all honesty, just doesnt have the same effect as my old stress reliefs.

Hell, even my old stress reliefs dont relieve me anymore. Glowsticking and poi just feels... retarded. I dont see the point anymore. My mind is too fucking hectic to meditate, so that is seemingly useless. I am constantly in this forced state of calm, or happiness, or just a dull nonchalant-ness, which only smooth jazz and lounge music can seem to help with. Not any of this techno or metal bullshit. Not mainstream rock, and especially not rap and pop.

For reasons I cant explain, I have changed from the care-free, happy, and generally optimistic guy that I was back home, into what I feel is just a cold-shouldered, cynical, anti-social, negative dick. There is nothing over here that sparks my interest, and anything that does, I pick it up quickly, and drop it even quicker.

The people here just arent clicking with me. Usually there is a small group of people I can relate with, and become close to. In 4 months, I have not found a single person that I feel like I can truly trust with a friendship.

The only feeling of acceptance I still really have is through the very few people that I talk to on the internet. Even then, there is only so much that words on a screen can do to comfort me. I feel like an outcast here, surrounded by people that have no interest in anything except for themselves.

Im sure it doesnt help that Im trying to quit smoking, cant legally drink, and was broken up with, without even being informed about it. Which I want to figure out what happened, but at the same time, I feel like I shouldnt even give a damn about her.

All in all, I dont feel like there is anything over here to work for, care for, or even live for. Its all just a fucked up, worthless scrap heap, and I am simply going through the mindless reactions burned into my subconscious by the military training I have received.

For those that Im sure are going to ask; No, Im not suicidal. No, Im not going to hurt myself. No, Im not going to do something stupid to fuck my life up, just because of a few shitty feelings about a shitty environment with some shitty people. I am simply venting to the air, and not expecting a reply.

If you do feel like replying anyways, keep off the "Oh dont worry, everything will be ok" and other resembled cliches. I fucking hate those.

Well, to steer away from cliches, and normal replies, how about I give you a song?
Not metal, or techno, just something I like to hear.


Now to get a bit back to cliches, I would like you to know that I feel that your life is somewhat fucked up.
But thats how life is. I'm sure you understand that very well, and I'm glad your living through it.
Just know that personally, I see you as a strong guy, and a survivor.
In a way you can see life as just a fight to survive, and I think your going to make it.
Whether or not your life is going to get better I cant say. All I can say is that I believe that you are going to make it.
This might not help at all. But this is my rant in reply to yours.
I hope the song helped a bit. It always gives me a little relaxation, and it always makes me feel like expressing myself.
Good luck. And if you would like, you can always call me your friend.
The more friends the merrier, and there is always something that can connect two people.
Even if they are completly different then their differences can connect each other.

Dude sorry about your girl leaving. Similar situation happened to me when I went off to Job Corps to pursue my education. Your right it's not worth worrying about. If she was serious she would have stuck it through as long as it took you to complete your contract.

Good luck bro, I hope for the best.

BTW I <3 That Song

Yeah... this isn't exactly something I find uncommon with military personnel. I can't really tell you anything to help you, but I feel for your situation.

Wow.

Ive only been around for about 30 years. And during that time ive learned that living is hard it seems the older we get the more cumulative the upkeep becomes. We also change and grow sometimes for the better and sometimes the worse. but no matter how hard a person works or how much money they have poop happens (dunno if i can curse here) poop happens so often i have a catch phrase for it.
CHAOS FIELD ACTIVATE!
whenever something bad happens i simply say that. No saying that doesnt change anything but even if one cannot change circumstances one can always change how one reacts to a given situation. when i say that its like the 1st step for assessing and dealing with any situation. Im Glad you havent given up, and still have some outlet for your frustrations (internet). This may not be a healthy suggestion but try distraction, take up a new hobby, read a book series, play a new game, learn a new dance style, anything to distract yourself. As time goes by negative emotions lose potency.

Please dont be offended but i looked at your profile and it says games there. Ive seen quite a few posts of people who play MMO's and they are a great way to distract yourself. hows your contact juggling?

So you're in a bad rut.
Either keep trying to find somethign that sparks your interest/nerves, or sit around and wait for it to dissolve away.

All in due time, no matter how long that may be.